Pregnancy, Birth, and Body Image

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This post is close to my heart, as are the mothers and mothers-to-be out there who have experienced what I have. Read on for my thoughts on pregnancy, birth, and body image. Don’t forget to share your experiences in the comments. I’m glad you’re here.

Like many other women my age, I’ve been a happy participant in the “body positive” movement that has become popular in the past few years. Though it does have it’s issues (read this article in Shape for more), at it’s core, the idea is good: love your body just as it is. While my shape is generally acceptable by social standards, as a teen and into my early 20s, I felt as though I was in between two standards, so I didn’t fit into either. By making a concerted effort to appreciate my body as well as exercising to gain strength and flexibility, I came to a place where I was truly very happy with my body just the way it was.

When I got pregnant, we were absolutely over the moon. We were so excited to be pregnant and to have a baby and everything that came along with it (okay, maybe not for morning sickness, but you get my point). I couldn’t wait to dress my cute baby bump, to take weekly belly photos and feel my little one kicking around. I started reading all the books and websites and blogs about pregnancy and other women’s experiences, so I was prepared for strangers who wanted to touch my belly and the knowing smiles from other pregnant women. What I didn’t expect was how suddenly everyone would have something to say about how my body looked.

Sticks & Stones

We’re almost all guilty of it. “Oh, wow, look how big you are!” or “Gosh, you’re all belly!” or the worst, “Are you sure it isn’t twins?” Something about pregnancy makes people feel that they are free to comment on a woman’s body. Now sure, some might be quick to rationalize or soften this. What’s wrong with telling a woman she hasn’t gained any weight but in her belly? Why can’t I tell her that her ankles don’t even look swollen? These things might not seem problematic, but when you get down to it, they’re just not helpful.

We may look at a pregnant woman who seems to be “all belly” and think we’re offering her a compliment, but she may be terrified that she hasn’t gained enough to keep her baby healthy. We could tell someone that her ankles don’t look swollen when she knows they are twice their regular size, so we’re really saying we think she always looks this way. The same thing when we suggest twins – is she so huge that it’s impossible to imagine a single baby in there? That something must be wrong? Are we doctors, or L&D nurses who can diagnose with a quick look?

Well Meant

I heard other comments made about me, too, mostly when others thought I couldn’t hear them. “It’s easy to see how she got pregnant, looking like that!” For reference, I was wearing a pair of ugly Christmas sweater overalls. I’m sure it was meant as a joke. Maybe it was even a compliment – but I’m quite sure it wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t pregnant. It gave me a queasy feeling and it wasn’t morning sickness.

I thought perhaps it would end after I gave birth and had my baby in my arms. The focus would be off of me and all on my sweet little girl. To some extent that was true. But before too long, little things started to creep in. “Wow, you’re looking so skinny!” and “You’ve already lost so much weight, good for you”. As if to spite all the hard work I had done in accepting my body and appreciating it for everything it could do, now I had to listen to other people judge it, judge me, only for what it looked like.

The Truth

This is what really gets me. When we look at a woman, our first comment should never be focused on her body. Doesn’t matter if I think she looks fat or thin or tired or ‘good’ or whatever. What’s important is how she is doing. I didn’t need anyone coming to see me and my newborn and tell me I looked skinny. Instead I needed them to ask me how I was doing and then to listen. I didn’t need anyone to tell me that I looked like I hardly gained any weight when I was pregnant (oh, the irony), I needed them to check in and encourage me in those last few weeks.

We’ve come a long way in our perception and understanding of bodies. A diverse array of people are enjoying increasing acceptance around the world. I think now we need to extend that acceptance to this short, special time around the birth of our children. A time when we need more kindness and encouragement, not superficial “compliments” or well meaning assessments.

Making a Change

I’m making a concerted effort going forward. When I talk to a friend who’s expecting, or visit someone with a new baby, I won’t make those kind of comments. I’ll be honest. I’ll tell them how good it is to see them, how happy I am for them, and I’ll ask them how I can help. That’s what we need. Plain and simple.

Have you experienced this in your journey to motherhood? What will you do to help other moms enjoy a transition that celebrates them for all that their bodies can do? Take a look at my post on postpartum recovery so you can prepare for the things that really matter. Leave a comment below to share your experiences – we’re all here for you.

Thumbnail photo by Lauren Antosh Photography